Brain Dump. November 2021

I feel like I am struggling to find myself artistically 

I think I have imposter syndrome. 

I don't feel like I have a voice worthy of saying anything in the art world because I come from a privileged background and I've never had to suffer through any severe hardship. 

I've had trauma and depression which is hard but I didn't grow up in poverty, I wasn't physically abused, I don't have anything traumatic my life in that way and somehow I feel that that makes me less valid than other people. I have fewer things to say, I almost feel like my opinion is not worthy of being heard.

I don't know if this is a response to me not being happy where I am artistically, I don't know if this is overthinking things and making reasons to just not "put my work out there" or make my own conceptual pieces. It's almost like I'm frightened. Whenever I think about making pieces I think about the reactions people would have to them, often that is enough to just put me off making it completely. As you can imagine this is maybe a little bit of a setback for an artist. It doesn't help that the last two years have been entirely focused on trying to stay afloat, trying to make enough glass to fulfil orders (I am grateful to have those orders) I'm trying to sell work to pay the bills throughout the pandemic. We are doing well financially now but we weren't for some time, especially in the first lockdown.

I was rejected for funding but was able to get a small discretionary grant which enabled me to basically pay my rent and not much else. I'm just lucky that I had some savings that I could bail myself out with.

This last year I've also questioned a lot if this is what I want to do or not. My life would have been easier if I just went to work for someone else, came home and then did creative things as a hobby instead of my career. My inspiration for making has just bombed. I've just sat and looked at blank pages in my sketchbook. All of my paints have dried up which I only discovered recently because it has been so long since I painted anything.

I have bought myself some new paints now because that made me incredibly sad. I used to want to create all the time and all I want to do right now is survive... I am seeing the light at the end of a tunnel, it just seems like it's a very long way away.

It doesn't help that we are rapidly approaching Christmas and I I'm not particularly happy around this time of year.

I know I'm gonna get called Scrooge or Humbug but I don't enjoy Christmas. I don't enjoy the run-up to Christmas, I don't enjoy the vast amounts of consumerism and I'm at the juxtaposition of relying on some of that for a portion of my income every year so I feel like a hypocrite. I also reluctantly partake in the mass consumerism every year although I try to source thoughtful gifts rather than just purchasing cheap things which were made in China and shipped to the UK.

Brexit has also made it difficult to post things or import things currently. Our docks are so busy and clogged up because of Covid restrictions and god knows however many rules there are now for importing things and shipping things. 

So yeah, it's a weird time. I'm wondering when the weirdness will settle down a bit and the UK might have a chance to heal again. 

When I might have a chance to breathe again... 

I'm near the end of orders now. So close! Just a few things left to coldwork and ship.

Then I can start on people's custom orders, as opposed to shops orders. 

Just keep swimming...

    

September 2021. Furnace issues.

I am struggling creatively right now. This is the second time that my furnace has gone down this year, this time an element has gone. Last time the whole pot cracked, at least this time it's a little bit easier to fix. 

My motivation is low and I need to fix my furnace as quickly as possible. So naturally I'm just standing here looking at it.

It came at a time when I was stressing myself out with orders, putting too much pressure on myself to finish things faster than I could. There were several factors like incredibly hot weather and illness on my part which slowed me down. It also happened immediately after I got out of isolation, when my dad contracted covid-19 so I was stuck in the house with him for 10 days. Luckily I did not contract the virus and my dad did not have severe symptoms.

There were other issues with the furnace which needed addressing so I took the time to fix those too. Hopefully this will lead to less stress in the future. 

The furnace is now fixed and we have been up and running again for a couple of weeks. As soon as it was fixed I got more orders, naturally. We are soldiering on with the ever-expanding list.

My assistant Georgina is (as ever) a godsend. She is currently taking up some of the slack because my back is bad from making a heavy piece the other day. 

I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to make all of my orders within the time frame that my suppliers would like them. 

    

We are working an extra day a week to make work for Georgina, who has a show coming up in the next couple of months. She's making some great work and I'm sure she'll be very well known in glass collectors circles soon. 

I'm trying my best to support Georgina in her early career as a glass maker. She has the determination and drive I wish I'd had at her age. 

I feel like we will be consistently busy up until Christmas. 

We're going to try and push Halloween a bit more this year, we will be doing demonstrations in the dark, toasting marshmallows, making popcorn and we are having a glass pumpkin patch. 

I have also been invited make the Northern Paperweight Society's anniversary paperweight. So obviously I am panicking about that. That is quite a lot of pressure from collectors who expect a very high standard of work. 

They also want letter murrini, which I have never made before. As yet I have not had the time to practice it. 

So basically I'm stressed and panicking about multiple things and a general lack of time to do them in. 

Does the stress and the panicking help? 

Highly unlikely. 

Can I stop it? 

Unfortunately not.

Let's hope I can manage it, at least until Christmas. 

2020 a global pandemic

Well damn. This year was hard. Covid19 hit the world. 

People died. Businesses stopped. The economy crumbled. We had to stay home for long periods of time. Masks were scarce, then they weren't. We isolated. There was panic buying. The NHS showed up for us. Many people did not see their friends and family for a very long time. Some were trapped abroad. Most were trapped at home. 

What happened during my second year of owning Station Glass? 

A global pandemic. 

It's January 2021 now and we are in lockdown again. Only essential shops are open and cases of covid19 are at an all time high because people all came together for Christmas. The vaccine is being rolled out to NHS workers, the elderly and the most vulnerable. We are moving in the right direction but it's slow going. 

Last year was a rollercoaster of open the studio, shut the studio and our sales were up and down with footfall. I ordered cullet and glass colour before Brexit happened so it was a big spend year for me. I managed to get a small grant which helped immensely with paying my rent. Sometimes I could have Georgina there to work with me and sometimes one or both of us were isolating. 

It's been a truly random year but the business is still alive and I hope we are coming back with more organisation and more enthusiasm for making some interesting glass. 

We will have to see how the rest of the year goes. 

Four Women Glass Artists

I attended the 2018 Glass Art Society conference held on the island of Murano. At Abate Zanetti I attended a panel moderated by Amy Schwartz entitled Four Women Glass Artists, these consisted of Amber Cowen, Claire Kelly, Jen Blazina and Suzanne Taylor-Glasgow. They were to discuss their unique approaches to the history and media of glass. These women are all excellent glass makers and I have followed some of their careers for some time.
I was a little disappointed by the lack of diversity in that their backgrounds however. They all spoke of extremely supportive partners (which is great and I would never wish for anything different), some spoke of how supportive their parents had been, but when the question was posed "Do you think you have been treated differently because of your gender?" each one answered "No". How have these women managed to receive no negative input because of their gender? The fact that they have progressed through their artistic career with helpful and supportive men really truly warms my heart because it means we are headed in the right direction.
Neither I nor the people I was with during the panel can imagine being in a place where we are not constantly questioned about whether we are in fact "real" glassmakers, the assumption made by the general public always seems to be that we are the secretary, the till worker, the cleaner, the apprentice, anything in fact other than the owner of the studio.
Myself and Dominique Cassie (Owner of Terrapin Glass Studio, NH) have encountered a whole heap of mysogonism and casual sexism. I'm at a point where I'm sick of constant belittlement, put downs, when the men assume we have no skill because of our gender, etc. It is quite frankly heartbreaking.
So many assumptions are made, based purely on our gender. Statistically women are less likely to have their work selected for an exhibition, we are less likely to be be published, work is less likely to be purchased if it is next to a piece made by a man. Unfortunately this is factually accurate. Now I'm not saying that life isn't being fair, that old men in suits aim to keep us down etc, etc... Some men actively help empower us, unfortunately it takes all men to see us as equals, this includes peers, colleagues, collectors and teachers. Personally I have been lucky enough to have an excellent mentor and friend in the form of Richard Golding. Who has always treated me one hundred percent  respectfully and been wonderfully supportive.
The initial point is that myself and my peers did not think these for women represented the vest majority of female glass makers. I appreciate them putting themselves out there to receive questions and open themselves up to debate everything about their personal paths. That is a hard thing to do for most people.
This is in no way a criticism of the four woman of the panel, I enjoyed learning about their respective journeys into glass. I think I might like to see a broader age range on similar panels in the future though. People in different stages of their careers maybe. Completely different backgrounds and cultural influences would make for a more interesting discussion and understanding of cultural norms with regard to our industry.
   

The studio is officially open!

I have just had my opening weekend. It went well and a bunch of people showed up whom I wasn't expecting which really touched me. I enjoyed myself, engaged my friends / audience and made some lovely pieces of glass. There was cake, champagne, laughter and fun. It wasn't rammed, but I didn't need it to be to consider it a success. I felt successful from the support I was given and the well wishes I received, some in person and some via email or text from those who were unable to attend. I feel so lucky.
I ended the weekend feeling exhausted but happy. Who can ask for more?
I even sold some glass. I appear to have an excess of cake though... Such a tragedy. 

Just about open

Currently I am frazzled. We're pretty much open to the public now and I've just spent a load of money on paint, cleaning stuff, and the basic materials I need to start up. We've done this in the quietest time of the year but now I'm ready and open I am also terrified. This comes as a bit of a shock to me. I was confident, I was enthusiastic, I was excited... Now I'm... Well I'm kind of stressed out and a little bit miserable. I think they call this "After the Lord Mayors Fair". Meaning that the build-up has been huge and now the reality has hit it is somewhat underwhelming.

I have been sleeping excessively and yesterday as soon as I arrived at work I vomited. It could have been a bug but that would be quite unusual for me. The amount I've been sleeping I'm presuming it's stress. I am stressing myself out over money primarily. What if I can't do this? What if I fail miserably? What if no one wants to buy the things I make? What if our exit from europe destroys everything? What if I can't afford to buy the raw materials and keep myself fed? These are all things that will not be solved by worrying about them. Yet I am worried to the point of throwing up. I'm desperately trying to calm myself and get a better grip on my situation. I thought I'd made it because I have a studio, if only life were that easy. Now I have to try and make the studio viable with only 10 years experience in my field, 10 years is not a lot by glass blowing standards. I'm pretty sure I can do this. At least I have to try, I'm terrified but that's what makes moving forward so important. As far as I'm concerned the most important thing in life is to do what you need to do regardless of how mind numbingly terrifying it is. On that thought I'm going to go make some earrings, who doesn't love earrings right?

Ok so it's later on and I'm feeling loads more positive, eaten some good stuff and I've talked to some really nice people who came by, I sold a few things which is a nice boost for a week day. There have just been some really lovely people in today which makes such a huge difference to me and my mood. We are a little bit out in the middle of nowhere here so foot-fall is sparse.
A lady came in to bring me a fluted piece of glass for me to make replacements of broken ones for her. It's Vaseline glass which we don't melt but I'm fairly confident I can match the colour. My own confidence with people as increasing also a lot of the time my gut instinct is to hide in the back. I'm not a massive people person. However I'm becoming more confident in my own abilities to replicate pieces of glass and the more I do these repairs the more confident I'm feeling. It's a slow, steady trudge but I actually feel like I'm getting there. How a few hours can change ones perspective.

Fickle world

This is an older rambling which I have finally decided to publish.

The glass blowing world is incredibly fickle, unfortunately you will be judged on your actions outside of your profession.
This seems to be the case particularly for women, to give an example, a female glass blower began an intimate relationship with a male glassblower. She was entirely unaware that he was in a relationship with someone else at the time, once she found out she broke it off. She has since applied to his place of work for an assistant position. The reason she is not getting the job is because she has previously been romantically involved a member of staff. The other staff members took an instant dislike to her and branded her a "homewrecker" despite her lack of knowledge about her lovers' long-term girlfriend.
The man in question was not punished at all, his workmates and boss all knew about the affair. His partner remains unaware.
This girl now has a reputation within the glassblowing community. She does not deserve it and has been judged unfairly on her moral conduct. The man's position at work and his home life remain blissfully unaltered. Gossip spreads like wildfire and people will judge her without even having met her.

As a female glass blower I could not have achieved the position I'm in now without a huge amount of support from a man who is hugely respected within the profession. He has taught and supported me throughout my development as a maker and simply being seen with him has awarded me some levels of respect amongst collectors and glass makers alike. I tended to stand next to him at every social/networking opportunity and try to become involved in every conversation regarding techniques of glass making. I had to force myself into conversations particularly with middle-aged and older men who even flippantly attributed my contributions to the conversation to Richard. Richard repeatedly pointed out that work was mine or I had analysed something faster or more effectively than him and some of these men  looked through me as though I was a shadow. This made me more determined to crowbar my way into every conversation I could, to push my abilities and knowledge on to them and make them acknowledge my presence. I understand this made them feel uncomfortable sometimes but Richard had asked for my opinion on several occasions and they still felt it acceptable not to acknowledge my presence.
This is not necessarily because I'm female, it may be because they consider me too young to be knowledgeable in this field, whilst in a way flattering, my age is largely irrelevant as I've been making glass for 13 years now. I know that I don't know everything but I am more familiar with modern teaching and a different variety of techniques than those that Richard uses.
I don't believe my opinions are worth more than another glass makers, I just wish to be heard and not ignored. This seems to be the lot of female glass makers. We have been deemed 'not "real" glass makers' by members of the public. I have also heard "Oh the man isn't doing it today" hundreds of times,which people tell children as I am  between making pieces or having a cup of tea. They are small things, but they all add up. They can make you feel underappreciated and like you have to prove yourself to complete strangers in order to be accepted as a glass maker.
There are few female glass makers in the country, let alone any whom have the time and money to dedicate to an apprentice or student. This means that most female glass makers learn from male glass makers, this isn't necessarily a bad thing but it segregates the female glass making community and often makes us see each other as competition rather than potential friends or respected peers.
I hope there is a little shift in the world and we all begin to see each other as a supportive network.