I think I have imposter syndrome.
I don't feel like I have a voice worthy of saying anything in the art world because I come from a privileged background and I've never had to suffer through any severe hardship.
I've had trauma and depression which is hard but I didn't grow up in poverty, I wasn't physically abused, I don't have anything traumatic my life in that way and somehow I feel that that makes me less valid than other people. I have fewer things to say, I almost feel like my opinion is not worthy of being heard.
I don't know if this is a response to me not being happy where I am artistically, I don't know if this is overthinking things and making reasons to just not "put my work out there" or make my own conceptual pieces. It's almost like I'm frightened. Whenever I think about making pieces I think about the reactions people would have to them, often that is enough to just put me off making it completely. As you can imagine this is maybe a little bit of a setback for an artist. It doesn't help that the last two years have been entirely focused on trying to stay afloat, trying to make enough glass to fulfil orders (I am grateful to have those orders) I'm trying to sell work to pay the bills throughout the pandemic. We are doing well financially now but we weren't for some time, especially in the first lockdown.
I was rejected for funding but was able to get a small discretionary grant which enabled me to basically pay my rent and not much else. I'm just lucky that I had some savings that I could bail myself out with.
This last year I've also questioned a lot if this is what I want to do or not. My life would have been easier if I just went to work for someone else, came home and then did creative things as a hobby instead of my career. My inspiration for making has just bombed. I've just sat and looked at blank pages in my sketchbook. All of my paints have dried up which I only discovered recently because it has been so long since I painted anything.
I have bought myself some new paints now because that made me incredibly sad. I used to want to create all the time and all I want to do right now is survive... I am seeing the light at the end of a tunnel, it just seems like it's a very long way away.
It doesn't help that we are rapidly approaching Christmas and I I'm not particularly happy around this time of year.
I know I'm gonna get called Scrooge or Humbug but I don't enjoy Christmas. I don't enjoy the run-up to Christmas, I don't enjoy the vast amounts of consumerism and I'm at the juxtaposition of relying on some of that for a portion of my income every year so I feel like a hypocrite. I also reluctantly partake in the mass consumerism every year although I try to source thoughtful gifts rather than just purchasing cheap things which were made in China and shipped to the UK.
Brexit has also made it difficult to post things or import things currently. Our docks are so busy and clogged up because of Covid restrictions and god knows however many rules there are now for importing things and shipping things.
So yeah, it's a weird time. I'm wondering when the weirdness will settle down a bit and the UK might have a chance to heal again.
When I might have a chance to breathe again...
I'm near the end of orders now. So close! Just a few things left to coldwork and ship.
Then I can start on people's custom orders, as opposed to shops orders.
Just keep swimming...
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