Brain Dump. November 2021

I feel like I am struggling to find myself artistically 

I think I have imposter syndrome. 

I don't feel like I have a voice worthy of saying anything in the art world because I come from a privileged background and I've never had to suffer through any severe hardship. 

I've had trauma and depression which is hard but I didn't grow up in poverty, I wasn't physically abused, I don't have anything traumatic my life in that way and somehow I feel that that makes me less valid than other people. I have fewer things to say, I almost feel like my opinion is not worthy of being heard.

I don't know if this is a response to me not being happy where I am artistically, I don't know if this is overthinking things and making reasons to just not "put my work out there" or make my own conceptual pieces. It's almost like I'm frightened. Whenever I think about making pieces I think about the reactions people would have to them, often that is enough to just put me off making it completely. As you can imagine this is maybe a little bit of a setback for an artist. It doesn't help that the last two years have been entirely focused on trying to stay afloat, trying to make enough glass to fulfil orders (I am grateful to have those orders) I'm trying to sell work to pay the bills throughout the pandemic. We are doing well financially now but we weren't for some time, especially in the first lockdown.

I was rejected for funding but was able to get a small discretionary grant which enabled me to basically pay my rent and not much else. I'm just lucky that I had some savings that I could bail myself out with.

This last year I've also questioned a lot if this is what I want to do or not. My life would have been easier if I just went to work for someone else, came home and then did creative things as a hobby instead of my career. My inspiration for making has just bombed. I've just sat and looked at blank pages in my sketchbook. All of my paints have dried up which I only discovered recently because it has been so long since I painted anything.

I have bought myself some new paints now because that made me incredibly sad. I used to want to create all the time and all I want to do right now is survive... I am seeing the light at the end of a tunnel, it just seems like it's a very long way away.

It doesn't help that we are rapidly approaching Christmas and I I'm not particularly happy around this time of year.

I know I'm gonna get called Scrooge or Humbug but I don't enjoy Christmas. I don't enjoy the run-up to Christmas, I don't enjoy the vast amounts of consumerism and I'm at the juxtaposition of relying on some of that for a portion of my income every year so I feel like a hypocrite. I also reluctantly partake in the mass consumerism every year although I try to source thoughtful gifts rather than just purchasing cheap things which were made in China and shipped to the UK.

Brexit has also made it difficult to post things or import things currently. Our docks are so busy and clogged up because of Covid restrictions and god knows however many rules there are now for importing things and shipping things. 

So yeah, it's a weird time. I'm wondering when the weirdness will settle down a bit and the UK might have a chance to heal again. 

When I might have a chance to breathe again... 

I'm near the end of orders now. So close! Just a few things left to coldwork and ship.

Then I can start on people's custom orders, as opposed to shops orders. 

Just keep swimming...

    

September 2021. Furnace issues.

I am struggling creatively right now. This is the second time that my furnace has gone down this year, this time an element has gone. Last time the whole pot cracked, at least this time it's a little bit easier to fix. 

My motivation is low and I need to fix my furnace as quickly as possible. So naturally I'm just standing here looking at it.

It came at a time when I was stressing myself out with orders, putting too much pressure on myself to finish things faster than I could. There were several factors like incredibly hot weather and illness on my part which slowed me down. It also happened immediately after I got out of isolation, when my dad contracted covid-19 so I was stuck in the house with him for 10 days. Luckily I did not contract the virus and my dad did not have severe symptoms.

There were other issues with the furnace which needed addressing so I took the time to fix those too. Hopefully this will lead to less stress in the future. 

The furnace is now fixed and we have been up and running again for a couple of weeks. As soon as it was fixed I got more orders, naturally. We are soldiering on with the ever-expanding list.

My assistant Georgina is (as ever) a godsend. She is currently taking up some of the slack because my back is bad from making a heavy piece the other day. 

I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to make all of my orders within the time frame that my suppliers would like them. 

    

We are working an extra day a week to make work for Georgina, who has a show coming up in the next couple of months. She's making some great work and I'm sure she'll be very well known in glass collectors circles soon. 

I'm trying my best to support Georgina in her early career as a glass maker. She has the determination and drive I wish I'd had at her age. 

I feel like we will be consistently busy up until Christmas. 

We're going to try and push Halloween a bit more this year, we will be doing demonstrations in the dark, toasting marshmallows, making popcorn and we are having a glass pumpkin patch. 

I have also been invited make the Northern Paperweight Society's anniversary paperweight. So obviously I am panicking about that. That is quite a lot of pressure from collectors who expect a very high standard of work. 

They also want letter murrini, which I have never made before. As yet I have not had the time to practice it. 

So basically I'm stressed and panicking about multiple things and a general lack of time to do them in. 

Does the stress and the panicking help? 

Highly unlikely. 

Can I stop it? 

Unfortunately not.

Let's hope I can manage it, at least until Christmas. 

2020 a global pandemic

Well damn. This year was hard. Covid19 hit the world. 

People died. Businesses stopped. The economy crumbled. We had to stay home for long periods of time. Masks were scarce, then they weren't. We isolated. There was panic buying. The NHS showed up for us. Many people did not see their friends and family for a very long time. Some were trapped abroad. Most were trapped at home. 

What happened during my second year of owning Station Glass? 

A global pandemic. 

It's January 2021 now and we are in lockdown again. Only essential shops are open and cases of covid19 are at an all time high because people all came together for Christmas. The vaccine is being rolled out to NHS workers, the elderly and the most vulnerable. We are moving in the right direction but it's slow going. 

Last year was a rollercoaster of open the studio, shut the studio and our sales were up and down with footfall. I ordered cullet and glass colour before Brexit happened so it was a big spend year for me. I managed to get a small grant which helped immensely with paying my rent. Sometimes I could have Georgina there to work with me and sometimes one or both of us were isolating. 

It's been a truly random year but the business is still alive and I hope we are coming back with more organisation and more enthusiasm for making some interesting glass. 

We will have to see how the rest of the year goes.