Just about open

Currently I am frazzled. We're pretty much open to the public now and I've just spent a load of money on paint, cleaning stuff, and the basic materials I need to start up. We've done this in the quietest time of the year but now I'm ready and open I am also terrified. This comes as a bit of a shock to me. I was confident, I was enthusiastic, I was excited... Now I'm... Well I'm kind of stressed out and a little bit miserable. I think they call this "After the Lord Mayors Fair". Meaning that the build-up has been huge and now the reality has hit it is somewhat underwhelming.

I have been sleeping excessively and yesterday as soon as I arrived at work I vomited. It could have been a bug but that would be quite unusual for me. The amount I've been sleeping I'm presuming it's stress. I am stressing myself out over money primarily. What if I can't do this? What if I fail miserably? What if no one wants to buy the things I make? What if our exit from europe destroys everything? What if I can't afford to buy the raw materials and keep myself fed? These are all things that will not be solved by worrying about them. Yet I am worried to the point of throwing up. I'm desperately trying to calm myself and get a better grip on my situation. I thought I'd made it because I have a studio, if only life were that easy. Now I have to try and make the studio viable with only 10 years experience in my field, 10 years is not a lot by glass blowing standards. I'm pretty sure I can do this. At least I have to try, I'm terrified but that's what makes moving forward so important. As far as I'm concerned the most important thing in life is to do what you need to do regardless of how mind numbingly terrifying it is. On that thought I'm going to go make some earrings, who doesn't love earrings right?

Ok so it's later on and I'm feeling loads more positive, eaten some good stuff and I've talked to some really nice people who came by, I sold a few things which is a nice boost for a week day. There have just been some really lovely people in today which makes such a huge difference to me and my mood. We are a little bit out in the middle of nowhere here so foot-fall is sparse.
A lady came in to bring me a fluted piece of glass for me to make replacements of broken ones for her. It's Vaseline glass which we don't melt but I'm fairly confident I can match the colour. My own confidence with people as increasing also a lot of the time my gut instinct is to hide in the back. I'm not a massive people person. However I'm becoming more confident in my own abilities to replicate pieces of glass and the more I do these repairs the more confident I'm feeling. It's a slow, steady trudge but I actually feel like I'm getting there. How a few hours can change ones perspective.

Fickle world

This is an older rambling which I have finally decided to publish.

The glass blowing world is incredibly fickle, unfortunately you will be judged on your actions outside of your profession.
This seems to be the case particularly for women, to give an example, a female glass blower began an intimate relationship with a male glassblower. She was entirely unaware that he was in a relationship with someone else at the time, once she found out she broke it off. She has since applied to his place of work for an assistant position. The reason she is not getting the job is because she has previously been romantically involved a member of staff. The other staff members took an instant dislike to her and branded her a "homewrecker" despite her lack of knowledge about her lovers' long-term girlfriend.
The man in question was not punished at all, his workmates and boss all knew about the affair. His partner remains unaware.
This girl now has a reputation within the glassblowing community. She does not deserve it and has been judged unfairly on her moral conduct. The man's position at work and his home life remain blissfully unaltered. Gossip spreads like wildfire and people will judge her without even having met her.

As a female glass blower I could not have achieved the position I'm in now without a huge amount of support from a man who is hugely respected within the profession. He has taught and supported me throughout my development as a maker and simply being seen with him has awarded me some levels of respect amongst collectors and glass makers alike. I tended to stand next to him at every social/networking opportunity and try to become involved in every conversation regarding techniques of glass making. I had to force myself into conversations particularly with middle-aged and older men who even flippantly attributed my contributions to the conversation to Richard. Richard repeatedly pointed out that work was mine or I had analysed something faster or more effectively than him and some of these men  looked through me as though I was a shadow. This made me more determined to crowbar my way into every conversation I could, to push my abilities and knowledge on to them and make them acknowledge my presence. I understand this made them feel uncomfortable sometimes but Richard had asked for my opinion on several occasions and they still felt it acceptable not to acknowledge my presence.
This is not necessarily because I'm female, it may be because they consider me too young to be knowledgeable in this field, whilst in a way flattering, my age is largely irrelevant as I've been making glass for 13 years now. I know that I don't know everything but I am more familiar with modern teaching and a different variety of techniques than those that Richard uses.
I don't believe my opinions are worth more than another glass makers, I just wish to be heard and not ignored. This seems to be the lot of female glass makers. We have been deemed 'not "real" glass makers' by members of the public. I have also heard "Oh the man isn't doing it today" hundreds of times,which people tell children as I am  between making pieces or having a cup of tea. They are small things, but they all add up. They can make you feel underappreciated and like you have to prove yourself to complete strangers in order to be accepted as a glass maker.
There are few female glass makers in the country, let alone any whom have the time and money to dedicate to an apprentice or student. This means that most female glass makers learn from male glass makers, this isn't necessarily a bad thing but it segregates the female glass making community and often makes us see each other as competition rather than potential friends or respected peers.
I hope there is a little shift in the world and we all begin to see each other as a supportive network.
   
   

First Day

It's the first of February 2019 and it's the first day I've made anything in my studio this year. Just a few small pendents to test that the equipment is still working as it should before I delve in to orders and memorial paperweights.
I have managed to shuffle most of the hotshop around to give us a bit more space and I've even scrubbed the floor in places! (It's made from wooden decking so it's not getting a complete clean as I'm just going to burn it again soon anyway) The storage room and lobby have both been repainted and restocked with essentials, we can even open both doors all the way now! There's no stuff in the way anymore, we used to have a load of bags of chemicals left over from the days when we melted our own glass from scratch. I'm currently trying to find out how to dispose of them safely.

Everything has taken so much longer than anticipated. The smoke damaged areas took so many coats of paint and everything was just so dirty. The cleaning definitely took longer than the painting but the painting would have been hell without the cleaning first. 
I have also discovered how difficult it it to paint a small ceiling... when you're 5'3".
My mum and step-dad have been amazing throughout this entire process, they have cleaned, masking-taped, painted, organised, done tip runs, painted some more, taken things home to clean and paint, hassled the council about my lease for me, moved heavy stuff, and painted some more! I wouldn't be anywhere close to finished without them! I am so grateful to have my amazing family and friends around me right now.
Plan to open back up in a couple of days. Best get my glass stuff back to the station.